F.E.A.R

The last few months have been a challenge.

A disconnect took place after the August holiday. Standing on an Italian beach in darkness, something detached from a brain which, for a long time, had never been addressed. Lots of skeletons fell out of a cupboard. Instead of shoving them back in, it was time to sort the bones for burial, or to be burnt.

A lever was inserted in June, thanks to a therapist. They saw no need for me to be helped at that point, because everything was under control, and it is. The tools required to maintain equilibrium remain sharper than ever. I’m not unhappy, nor unable to function. The unaddressed remains of my past now get their moment.

This is about acceptance and progress.

I’ve cried more in the last three months than has been the case in three years. Some of it is relief, but the majority of those moments stem from utter sadness. I’ve wasted so much time, I let the people I care about down… and then there are those who said they were friends but were never really there. Those people rarely asked if I was okay.

So few took time to pursue the point.

Fortunately now, there are people in my life who do ask twice. They’re around when actually needed. These people provide vital support and understanding, and they’re never too busy to listen. For so much of my life, nobody ever asked. Sure, they’d say words, but there was never a belief that help truly existed. That’s where everything fell down.

How much of this was my fault is only now becoming clear, but it is probably significant that of all the people who have been lost, or now removed from my life, none of them are truly missed at all. I don’t feel regret or loss. I just feel better. Even when, like today, there’s a struggle to be social, the strength of belief remains intractable, clear, precise.

This is the right path to tread.

I started this place as the means by which I’d write about things that mattered, but didn’t fit anywhere else. There’s still a hope that will happen, but for now circumstances have facilitated a rethink. They’re not bad things, anything but. If truth be told, the direction life is heading is pretty much perfect. That means, therefore, it is time for rearrangement.

This place will get added to as time goes on. My photography is likely to end up here. There’s gonna be navel contemplation that doesn’t have a spot anywhere else and hopefully, in time, everything will fit nicely around the arrangement. I need a place that’s just for feelings, but hope they may help others who exist in the same space.

However much alone you may feel, there is always a way, you just gotta work out the path to it. If the people around you don’t get it there are two choices: educate or eliminate. Life is too short to put up with any more shit than is necessary.

If that makes me a rubbish friend, so be it.

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