For a long time, I was forced to deal with someone whom I at first really liked then, over time, made me genuinely unhappy. The details are largely irrelevant, but only now comes an opportunity to explore why it was their actions became so unpalatable. We disagreed on a number of fundamental things, and that was the initial contention which made being forced to interact increasingly difficult. However, eventually came a gradual comprehension that there is a need for such people in your life: even if you don’t have an affinity, respect and humanity need to come into play. You try and make it work.

It was my gut instinct that was the problem: this person was clearly intelligent and articulate, but it wasn’t enough. Their attitude to cutting corners and not attempting to better themselves gnawed at a brain that was, and still is, striving for improvement. The harder I tried, the worse it became, and finally dawned a realisation that actually, this person was toxic. The last straw came when, in response to a major change in my life, the only response they could come up with was belittling and so badly thought out as to make me laugh. Their notion of caring was, in my mind, simply non-existent.


I’d been wrong about such things before, especially when it comes to judging character, but in this case rose a belief that actually, things were being said simply to get me to react. I was being baited. There was also, of course, the possibility that all of this was a massive misunderstanding but at the point which had been reached, it no longer mattered. The person’s thoughtlessness and arrogance soon came to the fore, and I stopped communicating with them altogether. The relief when this happened was, it must be said, considerable, and despite a half-hearted attempt on their part, that was the end.

Every time I wonder about whether my reactions to situations are correct or not, I look to how my personal life runs as example of whether the right decisions are made. Having screwed up quite badly in recent memory, all the uncertainties and issues over worthiness inevitably rise from the darkness to challenge even the tiniest of decisions. Then, it has to come down to gut feelings. I recognise abusers far more now than was ever the case before. I’ll stop issues before they start. Mostly, it’s just easier not to get involved and move on.


Also, quite worryingly, comes a dim awareness of a number of women who I now think might have been attempting to attract my attention. Is it arrogance to believe that, I wonder, based on what is remembered from my 20’s and 30’s? That’s a VERY murky pool to go wading into, but only with the understanding that I am attracted to both sexes and have been for some time comes the connection of disparate pathways, previously untrodden. Is it my perception of the history or a truth that was simply misunderstood? Is it even worth looking back on the past and trying to reconstruct what took place?

Should I simply leave the past where it belongs and move on?




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