Fake Plastic Trees

My husband was in Belgium this weekend, riding a classic Sportif. I’d expected him back quite late and so went to sleep without him home. When I woke at 2am to find myself alone in bed, what normally would have happened didn’t. There was no panic, instead brain quietly reminded body that if there was a problem, someone would call me. Amazingly, about a minute after regaining consciousness, front door opened: imagination, satisfied everything was working as it should, pushed me immediately back to sleep.

The revelations just keep on coming.

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Once upon a time, I was incredibly angry. The reasons for this (for there are several) no longer provoke the same reaction after it became apparent that being emotionally engaged, all the time, was destroying my physical well-being. Then there was the revelation that came from grasping that weight loss is not why I’m exercising any more. Finally, the removal of a monthly cycle and an excess of hormonal mood swings allowed a body that so very much hated the whole process a much needed opportunity to breathe.

Pleasure hasn’t gone away, far from it. I enjoy stuff now far more than was ever the case. The key between the Past and Now is knowing exactly what that means, and not bowing to the ‘polite’ notion that you need to have an affinity to whatever someone else is raving over. Once upon a time I’d do anything to be included in a conversation. Not any more. Now, the interests that others indulge in are theirs alone. I might feel awkward sometimes just sitting and listening, but that will get better with time.

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It is a hard ask on certain mornings to drag myself out of bed: not because I’m depressed any more, but because body’s exhausted from exercise the night before. However, once awake, things work so much more efficiently, and with considerable comfort. Routine has been established and is being maintained. Productivity is up. Slowly, but surely, a backlog is being addressed. More can be carried upstairs, lungs last longer in runs. It is a delicate, complex balancing act which finally begins to bear the most satisfying of fruit.

Sometimes, it is your fault. Listen to people who want to help you. Don’t push them away or assume advice is not relevant to your situation. Stop believing you know all the answers, because you don’t. Embrace your faults, and use them to leverage the issues that genuinely require addressing. Most importantly of all, when the light-bulb illuminates and you grasp you’re not bad, just different, embrace that singularity with kindness and openness, not with fear or anger.

It really can completely alter your existence.

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